1. Rambo (aka The Grunter): This testosterone oozing, sweat dripping, wifebeater wearing homo habilis will confuse you into thinking that you've stumbled onto the set of Rise of the Planet of the Apes. God help you if you forgot your headphones that day, because he believes that no weight training can be effectively executed without numerous grunts and roars. Someone needs to inform this guy that if we wanted to listen to Maria Sharapova play tennis, we would just youtube it.
2. Tammy Treadmill: This girl will bounce into the gym and immediately make her way over to the treadmills. There she will smugly turn her intensity to one level higher than yours and take off running. It doesn't matter that you've already been running for 20 minutes and you're doing a hill circuit, she will completely convince herself that she is undoubtedly in way better shape than you. 10 minutes later her ponytail/shoelace/headphones will come undone and she will have to slow down to 3 mph to reassemble herself. Bullshit, Tammy. You just can't keep up.
3. The Bachelor/Bachelorette: He will show up wearing a strategically chosen outfit that highlights his muscles. She will roll in with her hair in a perfectly constructed ponytail, waterproof makeup, a hot pink sports bra, and nonexistant shorts. These gym goers are easy to spot because they're the ones doing just enough physical activity to look like they belong, but not enough to break a sweat. They generally manage to seek each other out, but not before annoying everyone who is actually trying to accomplish something fitness related during their time at the gym.
4. The Talker: When most people go to the gym, they get into "the zone." It's an effective way to eliminate distractions while focusing on yourself and on your own personal goals. Unfortunately, some people view the gym as the perfect social gathering. They sit around yapping about their happy relationship, their family, Teen Mom, or whatever else annoying people talk about. Fortunately, with a good set of headphones The Talker can be easily ignored, but it is important to never make eye contact. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for an awkward line such as, "Wow, you've been working hard on that treadmill" or "How long have you been on that elliptical?"
5. The Fashionista: This guy or girl shows up after Christmas sporting the latest fashions Nike, Fit To Run, or Under Armor has to offer. They usually have a pompous look on their face as they cross paths with the undedicated losers wearing 100% cotton t-shirts that they got free from touring a new apartment complex. Fortunately, they'll be gone by mid-February.
Honorable Mentions:
The Fitness Guru: Gives unwanted advice and notices every single flaw in your technique. Ironically, this guy/girl is usually not particularly fit or healthy looking himself/herself.
The DJ: No one should be able to hear your headphones over THEIR OWN headphones.
Elliptical Allie: This clueless first timer approaches the elliptical like a squirrel sniffing out an acorn. Tries to cover for herself by giving the "oh I've been on this thing 1000 times" look. Then takes 5 minutes to figure out how to move her legs right, and another 10 to figure out how to work the settings. Just ask, homegirl.
Eye of the Tiger: This guy walks into the gym and engages in his workout looking like a character from an action movie preparing to take out terrorists. You are a college student. You are not training to go the distance. Wipe the scowl off your face and quit drinking from your water bottle like you're in a Gatorade commercial.
The Starer: The thing about gyms... well... they have mirrors. So I can see that you've been staring at my ass for the past 3 minutes straight. My ass is not going to do a trick. Wait... scratch that. I do have to fart...
-Suz
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| He also makes the list. |
