Words of Wisdom Compilation

We had a few "words of wisdom" (AKA stupid things we say when we're drunk) posts.  I decided to compile them all together to clean up the ol' blog a little bit.  Keep things organized.  You know.

"If I can't be in your inbox, your penis can't be in my vagina."
-Ash

"Even Harry Potter makes mistakes."
-Suz

"Sometimes, when your boobs are that big, you HAVE to wear a bra."
-Ash

"Your vagina is like the sword of Gryffindor.  It only takes in that which makes it stronger."
-Suz

Extended Orgasms: Are they a myth?

Recent sources have told me (after witnessing firsthand) that extended orgasms are actual occurrences and that the human race is not cursed to the usual 30 seconds or less orgasms.  ...Well excuse me while I go saddle up the fucking unicorn that just landed on the roof and ride off into the night.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  Anything is possible now.

This is like some reading rainbow shit.
-Suz

P.S. - It was me! That myth is Busted! (Ashley)

Ash and Suz's Rules for Life

These are a few rules that we have come up with and posted back and forth on Facebook throughout our college career.  The list will most certainly grow with time, seeing as it's a bit short.  Also, pay no attention to the numbers.  They don't really mean anything.

Rule 3: It is socially acceptable to press the "eject button" under certain conditions* *see section 1B
   *Section 1B: When an entire carton of ice cream (or cookies, etc.) is consumed while under the influence, when Tylenol PM is taken before a spontaneous night of drinking, and before being naked or partially naked.

Rule 4: Emotions expressed while under the influence are to be disregarded the following day by everyone involved.

Rule 6: Upon leaving the apartment before a night out, the correct response to "Do I look ok?" is either "Yes, a 14+" or for special occasions "You look prettier than a magnolia in May."

Rule 14: If a shot is offered, take it. Your looks will only get you free drinks for a few years.

Rule 17: Size and sexual ability under no circumstances may compensate for overly intense interests in subjects that are socially unacceptable, particularly when the perpetrator does not attempt to keep such interests hidden.

Rule 22: If the slutty cheetah dress is worn, the corresponding zebra dress shall accompany it.

Rule 32: Shoes, beer, and sober rides are legitimate currency for at least the next 3 years.

Rule 36: Shaving must be timed with extreme accuracy to prevent five o'crotch shadow (term coined by Suzie) from preventing a moment of passion/bad decision making. 

Rule 37: Lack of shaving can be used as an incentive to prevent said bad decision making.

Rule 44: Calories consumed while under the influence of alcohol cannot be held against the consumer the following day.

Rule 47: No free passes unless you drink out of the appropriate cup prior to indecent actions.

Rule 53: Under no circumstance are you allowed to date or sleep with a man who sports a peacoat.

Rule 54: Calories are irrelevant when cooking or baking for other people.

Don't shelter your kids...

My mom never let me watch Spice World when I was a kid.  She thought it was inappropriate...  I was a very sheltered child.  I bet she didn't think that when I actually watched Spice World, I would be 21 years old, still drunk at 9 am, and eating cold noodles by myself.  Just saying.

Fun times with Suz's family.

Mom:  She developed an unhealthy obsession with her gynecologist.  Rusty, that would be like you being obsessed with your proctologist.
Dad:  Yeah, that's the kind of relationship that just hits you from behind.

Not my best writing, but I needed to get this off my chest. (Written by Suz.)

In case you didn't know, Ash and I are both single and somewhat recently came out of relationships.  We're at that exciting dating limbo stage where the number one goal as far as the opposite sex is concerned is to play the field without serious involvement or attachment. 

Somehow we forgot to read the manual...

I will be the first to admit that Ash is much better than me in this arena.  I can barely look at someone without growing attached to them, and I'm absolutely awful at turning people down.  So when we go out, I generally just consider my number one relationship the one I have with the drink in my hand and let her do the heavy flirtation.

Best.  Decision.  Ever. 
Hopefully she won't get mad at me for posting about her like this (sorry Ash) but in her recent dating life, she has managed to uncover dud after dud.  I'm talking about attractive and sociable young men who SEEM like they would be normal enough... If "normal" means leaving horror-movie style voicemails on a girl's phone or trying to sneak attack women with your penis.  These "men" are the most disappointing either of us have ever encountered consecutively, which makes me wonder what exactly we're putting in our milkshakes that brings so many sketchy boys to the yard.  (Ha.  Clever.)

I have a theory.  If proven true, this theory could help explain why poor behavior among men has become so socially acceptable in the college environment.  I'll begin my explanation by telling a true story.

Once upon a time there was a girl who drank too much.  And living near that girl was a very nice boy named Arthur who did not have a drinking problem.  Sometimes, after the girl (we'll call her "Snuggle Bandit") got in from a long night of binge drinking, she would wander over to Arthur's place, knock on his door, and ask to come in and "hang out," AKA sleep.  Arthur would usually laugh at how stupid Snuggle Bandit was but let her pass out on his chest anyways. This happened on several occasions.  Though she spent many nights with him, he NEVER took sexual advantage of her drunken state.  Because of this, Arthur was revered by all females who heard this tale and was declared to be an incredible guy.  The end.

I'm not saying anything negative about Arthur.  Arthur was and still is a great guy for reasons other than his generosity towards Snuggle Bandit.

The issue at hand is the fact that not "taking advantage" of a drunk girl is now considered rare. (And let's face it.  Most girls have had one of those nights where she's forgotten her limits and found herself defenseless against creepers.  At least once.)

 Exhibit B:  The other night, Roommate #3 got absolutely wasted and essentially threw herself at one of her guy friends... we'll call him "Paul Bunyan."  Fortunately, he put her to bed and left our apartment, no funny business involved.  My initial thought when I heard about this?  "What a nice guy!"

What a nice guy for... being a decent human being?  Have our standards really become so low that we think it's something really special when a guy behaves like a gentleman?  Is it really so unusual when a guy doesn't have an uncontrollable desire to put his penis in a girl so wasted that she's practically unresponsive? 

You know you want it.

This is just another example of my own twisted thought process concerning common standards for "nice men."  So no wonder men seem to be evolving backwards.  Somewhere down the line, me (and other females, I'm sure) have lowered the bar.  When you expect to find men who are disrespectful and think with their penises, of course that's all you're ever going to uncover.

So maybe the behavior of men like Paul Bunyan and Arthur needs to be the standard.  Anything below that is not worth anyone's time.

 The result of disturbingly low standards.

Pancakes and Porn Stars (Written by Suz.)

So a good friend of mine (for privacy's sake we'll call her Karen) showed me some ultra-sexy pictures of herself that she wants to send to her boyfriend.  I'm not some sort of porn expert, and Karen isn't my secret  lesbian lover.  She just wanted a close friend's approval before she deemed them worthy of cyber-space.

These days, sending sexy pictures seems to be the newest controversial issue.  Due to a plethora of hormonal teenagers sending out pictures of their B-cups/junk, MTV has launched an "anti-sexting" campaign.  But as for adults, it is up to the woman (or sometimes the man) to decide whether or not they want to "put themselves out there" like that.

Let me tell you, I've had my run with dirty pictures.  It did not have a happy ending.  (Well, unless you count when the guy... and then... yeah.  Okay.)

First, I sent my best shot to my close friend... we'll call her Janet. I didn't realize at the time that because Janet's parents were basically putting her on lockdown due to some trouble she got into in college, all of her texts were forwarded to her dad's phone.

REPEAT.
Her texts.  Were forwarded.  To her dad's phone. 

So I sent Janet's dad a half naked picture of myself.** The next time I visited her family, it was an incredibly awkward experience for all three of us.  Nothing spices up a family spaghetti dinner like knowing that your best friend's dad has seen you in your lacy peach boy shorts.

But after Janet (and her dad) inspected my modeling skills, I went ahead and sent the picture to the guy I was dating at the time (we'll call him The Bum, for privacy's sake).  Fortunately, it didn't turn out like some of the horror stories where the girl breaks up with her boyfriend and he sends a controversial picture of her to everyone he knows, ruining her future career forever.  Eventually the image was deleted from both of our phones.

But I didn't get off that easy (although The Bum probably had no trouble getting off).  Basically every day after I sent that picture, he would text me asking for another picture.  Every.  Single.  Day.  He would even make requests.  "This time show your ass!  Could you bend over for me?"  Do you have any idea what it's like to be a girl coming home from a long day serving pancakes and scrambled eggs (I was a pancake house waitress) to large families with screaming children, your hair a mess and your polyester uniform covered in butter and powdered sugar, and then have your idiot boyfriend get all up in your asshole about sending him softcore porn?  It's annoying.  Really annoying.  Annoying enough to warrant a run-on sentence.

So in my opinion, if you're a woman and you're thinking about sending a dirty picture, you might want to just call the guy up and invite him over to witness the real deal.

Oh, and if you're a man thinking about sending a dirty picture, 9 times out of 10 the girl is giggling on the bed with her 3 best friends squealing, "OMG I think he's really going to do it!  OMG he did it!  IT'S A PENIS!"  ....So that's probably not the best idea either.  Either way, though I'm not an expert on the subject by any means, in my experience the consequences just aren't worth the action.

And for the love of all that is holy, don't do this.


**For my reputation's sake, I'd like to clarify that the picture I sent was dirty but didn't show any obscene body parts.  Strictly PG-13.  My judgement isn't THAT poor.

Introduction to Suz and Ash. (Written by Suz.)

I've always found it incredibly annoying how every average Joe out there seems to believe that he/she deserves a personal blog, and that people will read about their "extraordinarily fascinating" lives in shock and awe.  (News flash:  No one wants to read a 700 word post about your cat.  You know who you are.)  Yet here I am thinking that the lives of me and my roommate are interesting enough to share with whoever happens to stumble upon our little pinch of cyberspace.  So instead of trying to write a long introduction like... oh... say... every other blogger out there, I'm going to list 5 reasons why we deserve to have our voices heard.

Reasons Why This Blog Deserves to Exist:

1.  My roommate (Ash) and I are intelligent young college students who find ourselves in the most bizarre situations as we juggle the many responsibilities life throws at us.  Ash is a self-proclaimed bio nerd who works as a tutor for the university.  I am a hospitality major and just yesterday I started my job at an upscale restaurant that caters to some of Greenville's high-end clientele.
2.  Although I could probably blog simply about our academic and work lives and still manage to keep things interesting, I should probably mention that Ash and I, like many college students, are heavy partiers.  But we don't just go out, get drunk, and dance around a club until we get tired and go home.  We go out, get drunk, and manage to say/do inappropriate things to all those unfortunate enough to cross our paths.  Example:  Just last Wednesday (Wednesday???  Really?!), I somehow managed to get absolutely shitfaced at a local bar and told some old man who was hitting on me that the only time he has ever had sex was when he paid for it.  Poor guy.
3.  We have notebooks scattered all over our apartment with "lists" in them.  Some of them list stupid things she and I have said, some list stupid things boys have said to us, some list "rules to live by" that we've created from past experiences, and at one point I even had a list called "Shit My Boyfriend Says."  (Fortunately I finally dumped that one, so the list is no longer active.)  A blog is the perfect outlet for these amusing and instructive lists.
4.  Although the two of us are the only ones that the blog features, our lives are littered with the most interesting people.  Roommate #3, for example, has her own list of drunken adventures that you will hear about secondhand.  (Uhh, like the time she was so drunk that she didn't notice I poured her whiskey out and replaced it with unsweet tea?)  We also have an overabundance of interesting men in our lives.
5.  Ash and I are incredibly quirky.  On the surface we look like your average college party girls, but once you set foot in apartment 308 you realize how deep the rabbit hole goes.  It's almost like an alternate universe, where creepy cat clocks and stuffed possums watch your every move (Suz), and Jurassic Park is not only a movie, but way of life (Ash).

If that list doesn't justify a personal blog being written, I have no idea what does. We're like one of those indie movies that doesn't have an actual plot, but the characters are so interesting you watch it anyways.  The Napoleon Dynamite of the blogging world. 


So stay posted.  Eventually we'll figure how deep the rabbit hole goes.