I'm not one to get into stupid e-battles. Generally if I have a problem with someone, I bring it up to them in person and we talk/battle it out from there. But today I'm tired, stressed, and feeling like a smartass. And also today, some random girl in one of my classes decided to post an angry tweet about me picking at my split ends and wearing high heels to class. ("Quit wearing high heels to a nine am!" -Bitch) The only reason I even saw it was because my professor (who I follow on Twitter) retweeted it with a comment. Upon creeping, I realized that the bitchy tweet was in fact about me. So I decided to pound off a passive aggressive e-mail calling her out on... well... just being a bitch. It gave me a good laugh so I figured I'd post it on here, mainly for my own amusement. I switched the names up a bit just to protect the bitch's privacy.
Dear Ms. Umbridge,
It has come to my attention that the footwear I choose to wear to my morning classes has become an issue for you during our 9 am course. Although I personally have never been concerned by the fashion choices of others, I try to be a reasonable and understanding person. Therefore, I have spent some time brainstorming different reasons that you may find my "high heels" a problem worth expressing your feelings about.
One explanation I came up with is that you may be suffering from gigantasophobia. Gigantasophobia is, by definition, "the fear of growing tall or of tall people." Because my high heels render me three inches taller than my normal 5'7, they are likely to disturb someone with such a condition.
While gigantasophobia explains your behavior, I don't truly believe it is the culprit. Another condition that is likely to cause concern over my high heels is congenital talipes equinovarus, more commonly known as "club foot." Although it seems petty that you would let your deformed and oversized feet spawn such envy of my ability to wear and walk in heels, I imagine that if I had such an embarrassing condition, I would be jealous too. Don't worry. I'm not judging. You should know that club foot occurs in 1 of every 1,000 babies born in the US, and that they have surgeries available to treat your condition.
Here are links to a few support websites I thought might help.
http://www.childrensorthopaedics.com/clubfoottalipesequinovarus.html
http://www.clubfoot.co.uk/ygroups.htm
http://www.clubfootclub.org
Of course, if you in fact do not have gigantasaphobia or congenital talipes equinovarus, there is a good chance that you are simply one of those people who likes to talk and complain about things that do not concern her. If that is the case, please disregard the previous suggestions in this e-mail. Instead, focus on this: Just because you want to look like a slob at 9 am doesn't mean that I have to.
Hope this helps,
Suz
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