The 5 Tactics Ex-Boyfriends Use When You Run Into Them at a Bar

 So last night I went out with a friend for her 21st birthday, and the group I was with just happened to include my ex-boyfriend.  We haven't spoken in about 6 months, and our breakup wasn't exactly pretty... (I left him crying in a parking lot.)  So he ended up pulling a #2 (No it's not a poop reference, read the blog and you'll understand.) and I ended up drinking more vodka than I have ever publicly consumed in my life.  (That being said, please excuse my grammar.  I have a killer hangover today and it might throw my writing game off.)

The whole incident got me thinking about the different interactions I've had with my exes when I've run into them in public.  In a perfect world, you're both cool with one another and manage to smoothly ease your way into the friend zone.  But that rarely happens.  So I've compiled a list of tactics that your ex may or may not use in response to that awkward run in.

The Tactics:

1.  The "try to make you jealous" tactic.  He's over you, happy, and he'll be damned if you don't see him chatting with every other girl at the bar.  The only problem is that men have a tendency to be terrible at bullshitting.  He's clearly trying too hard to prove that he's moved on, and ironically, is doing the exact opposite.  Best strategy?  Ignore him until he's trying so hard to be a ruthless womanizer that he makes a complete jackass of himself.  Then you can laugh.

2.  The Nostalgia Maneuver.  Remember the time that you two sat under the stars and held each other close because you were so in love?  He does.  Remember the time the two of you boned on top of the washing machine?  He definitely does.  And he's going to take it upon himself to remind you of all the good times you had together in hopes that he can nostalgia his way into getting you to want him back.  Best strategy:  Vodka.

3.  The ignoring tactic.  He'd rather create a completely awkward atmosphere than have to face you.  Sure, it's better than tactics one and two, but he's making himself look like a total d-bag.  He could at least make some small talk to keep the awkk level down.  Best strategy?  Pretend he doesn't exist.  But speaking of d-bags, there is also....

4.  The asshat tactic.  Maybe you rejected him.  Maybe he was just a douche to begin with.  But he's going to do everything he can to damage your self esteem.  It's going to be a long night of passive aggressive comments and "jokes" about your intelligence and appearance.  Best strategy:  Save yourself an eating disorder and just don't talk to this guy.

5.  The "getting shitfaced" maneuver.  This is the easiest for you to deal with, it just sucks for his friends who are going to have to take care of him.  Getting shitfaced can be combined with any other maneuver on this list, but fortunately, you won't be able to understand a word he's saying.  Best strategy:  You don't need one.  This kid is a walking shit show.

Classic #5. 

Girls are just, like, too much drama, ya know?

Another pet peeve of mine came to mind today:  The girl who collects "guy friends."  This came to mind while watching Big Bang Theory, one of my many guilty pleasures.  It's about a ragtag group of supernerds who live next door to the lovably girly and undeniably hot Penny.  Penny, fortunately, must be an endearing character and therefore is not a "man collector," but it is so within her capabilities that it made me think of the concept regardless.

Man collectors are girls who are usually semi to extremely attractive, rock the "easygoing girl next door" persona, and have a natural charm to them that makes them appeal to multiple types of men.  Maybe you're a girl and you have a friend like this.  Maybe you're a guy and you're part of a girl's "collection."  Maybe you're a man collector yourself.  But we all know that there are some girls out there who "like, only get along with guys.  It's like, so weird.  Girls are too much drama." 

This is bullshit.  Unless you enjoy having sex with girls, there is no way you will ever be "one of the guys."  Maybe girls are too much drama because you're a bitch.  Or actually, you're probably one of those girls who likes to subtly move in on another girl's boyfriend, playing the "comforting friend who listens to your problems but in actuality, you would have sex with them in a heartbeat" role. That's why you don't get along with girls, dumbass.

Maybe you're reading this and thinking, "But I love my guy friends!"  That's good.  I am happy for you.  I have a handful of really great guy friends, and sometimes it's easier for me to get along with guys anyways.  I had a better relationship with my dad than with my mom, so I'll attribute it to that.  But when I turned 18, I noticed my guy friend count thinning out.  That's because I was of the age where I slowly realized that many of my "buddies" actually just wanted to bone, and that's half the reason they were so nice.

So if you're a girl, and you're over 18 (you get a pass if you're still in grade school), take a look at your relationships with these so called "guy friends."  Do you go to them for favors more often than your female friends?  Are they more likely to do you a favor than your female friends?  Do you complain to them about your boy problems as they gently console you by saying, "Any guy would be happy to have sex with you?"  Do they want to have sex with you?  Do you subtly cocktease the shit out of them? 

If the answer is yes, you might be a man collector.  Nice going, you manipulative bitch. 

-Suz

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

This is going to be a very interesting post.  The material covered in today's blog isn't what girls normally talk about.  I'm going where no woman has gone before.  But whatever.  This is an issue that needs to be addressed, and I think I'm the girl for the job.

Huge pet peeve:  Men that don't fart in front of you.  Men that you're DATING that don't fart in front of you eventually.  I don't mean that he has to rip ass on the first, second, or third date, but once you've seen his penis, the time has come. 

Men, being the more rugged, low maintenance sex, need to understand that it is their role in the relationship to initiate the farting phase.  Not to say that I've never been the one to bite the bullet, but it's so much easier if the one who scratches their balls goes first.  It doesn't have to be a train horn or a lethal weapon, just a simple fart to demonstrate the fact that you're comfortable enough around the person to be a human being with normal bodily functions.  A fart-icebreaker, so to speak.

Once, I had been dating a guy for about 3 months.  We were in a Facebook official relationship and were pretty comfortable around each other, or so I thought.  It was about 11 pm, and I was sitting on his bed working on homework.  He was sitting on his futon checking email.  He farted.  I didn't think anything of it, but he APOLOGIZED PROFUSELY.  For a fart!  He was incredibly embarrassed about something that honestly, no one gives a damn about.  We were broken up within the next two weeks.  Sure, you could say that the breakup had nothing to do with the fart.  But I know deep down that it played some kind of role.

The moral of the story?  If you want to strengthen your relationship, let one rip.  If you want to ruin your relationship, make a huge embarrassing deal out of a normal bodily function.  And if you want to sit around in agony squeezing your butt cheeks together trying to hide the fact that you're experiencing gut wrenching cramps from gas backup, don't fart at all.  The choice is yours.

-Suz

Words of Wisdom Compilation

We had a few "words of wisdom" (AKA stupid things we say when we're drunk) posts.  I decided to compile them all together to clean up the ol' blog a little bit.  Keep things organized.  You know.

"If I can't be in your inbox, your penis can't be in my vagina."
-Ash

"Even Harry Potter makes mistakes."
-Suz

"Sometimes, when your boobs are that big, you HAVE to wear a bra."
-Ash

"Your vagina is like the sword of Gryffindor.  It only takes in that which makes it stronger."
-Suz

Extended Orgasms: Are they a myth?

Recent sources have told me (after witnessing firsthand) that extended orgasms are actual occurrences and that the human race is not cursed to the usual 30 seconds or less orgasms.  ...Well excuse me while I go saddle up the fucking unicorn that just landed on the roof and ride off into the night.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  Anything is possible now.

This is like some reading rainbow shit.
-Suz

P.S. - It was me! That myth is Busted! (Ashley)

Ash and Suz's Rules for Life

These are a few rules that we have come up with and posted back and forth on Facebook throughout our college career.  The list will most certainly grow with time, seeing as it's a bit short.  Also, pay no attention to the numbers.  They don't really mean anything.

Rule 3: It is socially acceptable to press the "eject button" under certain conditions* *see section 1B
   *Section 1B: When an entire carton of ice cream (or cookies, etc.) is consumed while under the influence, when Tylenol PM is taken before a spontaneous night of drinking, and before being naked or partially naked.

Rule 4: Emotions expressed while under the influence are to be disregarded the following day by everyone involved.

Rule 6: Upon leaving the apartment before a night out, the correct response to "Do I look ok?" is either "Yes, a 14+" or for special occasions "You look prettier than a magnolia in May."

Rule 14: If a shot is offered, take it. Your looks will only get you free drinks for a few years.

Rule 17: Size and sexual ability under no circumstances may compensate for overly intense interests in subjects that are socially unacceptable, particularly when the perpetrator does not attempt to keep such interests hidden.

Rule 22: If the slutty cheetah dress is worn, the corresponding zebra dress shall accompany it.

Rule 32: Shoes, beer, and sober rides are legitimate currency for at least the next 3 years.

Rule 36: Shaving must be timed with extreme accuracy to prevent five o'crotch shadow (term coined by Suzie) from preventing a moment of passion/bad decision making. 

Rule 37: Lack of shaving can be used as an incentive to prevent said bad decision making.

Rule 44: Calories consumed while under the influence of alcohol cannot be held against the consumer the following day.

Rule 47: No free passes unless you drink out of the appropriate cup prior to indecent actions.

Rule 53: Under no circumstance are you allowed to date or sleep with a man who sports a peacoat.

Rule 54: Calories are irrelevant when cooking or baking for other people.

Don't shelter your kids...

My mom never let me watch Spice World when I was a kid.  She thought it was inappropriate...  I was a very sheltered child.  I bet she didn't think that when I actually watched Spice World, I would be 21 years old, still drunk at 9 am, and eating cold noodles by myself.  Just saying.