Don't be fooled by the scientific title of this post. This is simply a running list of all the less than intelligent questions I've heard in my psychology courses. As a biology major, I feel that previous classes have better prepared me for classes such as neuroscience and neuropsychology, but sometimes the questions asked in class are just.....just too much. See for yourself, but also keep in mind that sometimes the questions and shared stories are moronic because of the situation.
1) "Is there a maximum number of people that can be in a group?" This would be a reasonable question had we just not spent 45 minutes of our lives discussing the complexities of 2 people being too few, 5 people being too many, and 3 or 4 being just right. Thanks for the extra clarification Goldilocks.
2) Shared Story: While discussing the sections of the spinal cord (Cervical, Thoracic, Lumbar, and Sacral), this kid decides to share a heart breaking story of how he was born with an extra thoracic vertebrae and how it causes him pain. I can see where he might think his story was relevant, but after he was acknowledge he continued to tell us about how he could tell if he didn't go to the chiropractor because he would get headaches. Tragic.
3) Shared Story: While discussing Broca's area of the brain (involved in speech), this girl decides to tell us the moving tale of her ex-husband's brain surgery that caused damage to this area. He couldn't remember the words he wanted to say and it was so frustrating for her. She didn't clarify, but we all assumed this huge inconvenience is what led to their divorce. Way to keep up your end of the bargain of "in sickness and in health."
4) Shared Story: Immediately after Broca's bitch shared her story another girl raised her hand. Apparently, she broke her skull and damaged part of her brain too. This injury led her to be dyslexic. Thanks for sharing. We all know who not to cheat off of now.
5) Neuropsychology Vocabulary: "Zippies" - Another term for Ziploc bags to describe the synaptic vesicles that carry neurotransmitters to the synaptic cleft. Must be repeated numerous times for the metaphor to sink in.
6) "So wait, what you're saying is, is that sodium is positive?" This is after discussing resting and action potentials for 30 minutes. Shall we give him the benefit of the doubt? No, because the drawing on the power slide clearly had this written all over it "Sodium +" Idiot.
7) Nobel Prize Nomination: While discussing how signals jump from cell to cell, T13 kid raises his hand to make a bold, controversial statement. "So would that mean that if you're a post-synaptic cell receiving a message, when you carry the message to another cell you would become a pre-synaptic cell?" Please let this kid claim the credit he deserves and not steal his ground breaking epiphany.
8) While learning about the importance of myelin sheath, our professor mentions Multiple Sclerosis. A horrible disease that causes your immune system to attack the myelin sheath and results in uncontrollable movements. She explicitly talks about the motor functions being involved, but one girl raises her hand to ask this question. "So does damaged myelin sheath cause ADD too?" While you might have uncontrollable foot and hand movements after taking that Adderall you bought from that sketchy kid, your myelin sheath is not being destroyed. Thanks for playing.
More studies will be conducted throughout the semester.
-Ashley
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
The 5 Stages of Getting Shitty Grades at the End of the Semester
3. Bargaining. "Are you there God? It's me, Suzie. If you convince my professors to curve my grades, I'll never drink on a weekday again! ....Do Thursdays count as weekdays?"
4. Depression. "I suck at life. I'm going to quit school and become a stripper and live in a trailer park." This is the part where you find yourself sleeping until 4 pm.
5. Acceptance. "Ahhhh screw it. Who wants to grab a beer?"
-Suz (Obviously Ash didn't write this, homegirl got a 4.0! Congrats Ash!)
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Game
Today I'm going to stray from my usual boys and farting themes and write an entry about something different. Girls. My own kind. The fairer sex. Whatever. But before I even get started , I'm going to go ahead and include a disclaimer: I realize that the behavior I'm about to describe does NOT apply to all women. Repeat, I realize it does not apply to all women. But I'm going to write it as if it does and use a ton of generalizations because it's more fun for me that way.
What is The Game?
Here's the thing: Girls HATE each other. They do. Why else would they walk into a bar or a club, see another girl that they don't even know, and exclaim, "Wow, what a slut!" They don't even have to speak to another girl before the hate begins.
Girls hate each other because they're all in a huge ruthless competition for men. It's an ongoing game, and every girl is a player. They know that in order to obtain the most valuable male specimen, they must first prove themselves prettier, smarter, prettier, more successful, prettier, more likeable, and most importantly, prettier than the other girls. So they furiously tear down any girl who appears to be a threat.
What are the teams in The Game?
Now you could say, "Wait Suz! Girls have friends! They can't hate their friends!" FALSE. Girls do not have friends. Girls have teams. They form these teams in order to more efficiently obtain men. The teams are formed based on similar appearances and personalities (much in the same way leagues are formed) to ensure that no member of the team is attracting sub-par men. At the same time, however, each girl on the team performs a different function. For example, a highly functional team would consist of four girls, all sevens. One curvy, one skinny, one slutty, and one girl next door. The team members can easily cooperate as long as they remain in their designated categories. If the girl next door starts to become promiscuous, she and the slutty one can no longer be allies. They must immediately begin to hate each other. The teams will go to mating grounds (bars, clubs, social gatherings, etc...) together and wait for potential mates, using any spare time to point out flaws in other nearby teams.
How long does each round last?
Sometimes the competition is short and repetitive, such as one night stands or fuck buddies. Other times the competition leads to long term relationships. Obtaining a long term relationship does not guarantee a win. The competition continues regardless. While some girls consider respecting a relationship to be a rule of the game, most do not. In fact, many girls consider sleeping with someone else's boyfriend a double win and brag of their success. Girls with boyfriends use logic and rationality to fight back against these "homewreckers" by becoming possessive, jealous, distrusting, and even more hateful.
How do you quit The Game?
Some girls eventually attempt to quit The Game. They can't handle the pressure of having to find and maintain relations with a valuable male specimen, so they settle for one several leagues below their own, such as a girl who is a seven dating a two. This will often secure a relationship, as no logical man would trade a seven for a two. It doesn't always work though, because men can be stupid and illogical.
Why The Game sucks:
The Game sucks because it's fucking stressful. Instead of calmly waiting for a man (who is out there hunting to begin with) to make his way over to her, a girl finds it necessary to insult and ostracize anyone who could be considered a threat. As if life isn't difficult enough without turning romantic relations into a massive battlefield...
How to win The Game:
You can't win The Game. No one ever wins The Game
What is The Game?
Here's the thing: Girls HATE each other. They do. Why else would they walk into a bar or a club, see another girl that they don't even know, and exclaim, "Wow, what a slut!" They don't even have to speak to another girl before the hate begins.
Girls hate each other because they're all in a huge ruthless competition for men. It's an ongoing game, and every girl is a player. They know that in order to obtain the most valuable male specimen, they must first prove themselves prettier, smarter, prettier, more successful, prettier, more likeable, and most importantly, prettier than the other girls. So they furiously tear down any girl who appears to be a threat.
What are the teams in The Game?
Now you could say, "Wait Suz! Girls have friends! They can't hate their friends!" FALSE. Girls do not have friends. Girls have teams. They form these teams in order to more efficiently obtain men. The teams are formed based on similar appearances and personalities (much in the same way leagues are formed) to ensure that no member of the team is attracting sub-par men. At the same time, however, each girl on the team performs a different function. For example, a highly functional team would consist of four girls, all sevens. One curvy, one skinny, one slutty, and one girl next door. The team members can easily cooperate as long as they remain in their designated categories. If the girl next door starts to become promiscuous, she and the slutty one can no longer be allies. They must immediately begin to hate each other. The teams will go to mating grounds (bars, clubs, social gatherings, etc...) together and wait for potential mates, using any spare time to point out flaws in other nearby teams.
How long does each round last?
Sometimes the competition is short and repetitive, such as one night stands or fuck buddies. Other times the competition leads to long term relationships. Obtaining a long term relationship does not guarantee a win. The competition continues regardless. While some girls consider respecting a relationship to be a rule of the game, most do not. In fact, many girls consider sleeping with someone else's boyfriend a double win and brag of their success. Girls with boyfriends use logic and rationality to fight back against these "homewreckers" by becoming possessive, jealous, distrusting, and even more hateful.
How do you quit The Game?
Some girls eventually attempt to quit The Game. They can't handle the pressure of having to find and maintain relations with a valuable male specimen, so they settle for one several leagues below their own, such as a girl who is a seven dating a two. This will often secure a relationship, as no logical man would trade a seven for a two. It doesn't always work though, because men can be stupid and illogical.
Why The Game sucks:
The Game sucks because it's fucking stressful. Instead of calmly waiting for a man (who is out there hunting to begin with) to make his way over to her, a girl finds it necessary to insult and ostracize anyone who could be considered a threat. As if life isn't difficult enough without turning romantic relations into a massive battlefield...
How to win The Game:
You can't win The Game. No one ever wins The Game
Monday, December 5, 2011
An e-mail to the girl who tweeted about my shoes....
I'm not one to get into stupid e-battles. Generally if I have a problem with someone, I bring it up to them in person and we talk/battle it out from there. But today I'm tired, stressed, and feeling like a smartass. And also today, some random girl in one of my classes decided to post an angry tweet about me picking at my split ends and wearing high heels to class. ("Quit wearing high heels to a nine am!" -Bitch) The only reason I even saw it was because my professor (who I follow on Twitter) retweeted it with a comment. Upon creeping, I realized that the bitchy tweet was in fact about me. So I decided to pound off a passive aggressive e-mail calling her out on... well... just being a bitch. It gave me a good laugh so I figured I'd post it on here, mainly for my own amusement. I switched the names up a bit just to protect the bitch's privacy.
Dear Ms. Umbridge,
It has come to my attention that the footwear I choose to wear to my morning classes has become an issue for you during our 9 am course. Although I personally have never been concerned by the fashion choices of others, I try to be a reasonable and understanding person. Therefore, I have spent some time brainstorming different reasons that you may find my "high heels" a problem worth expressing your feelings about.
One explanation I came up with is that you may be suffering from gigantasophobia. Gigantasophobia is, by definition, "the fear of growing tall or of tall people." Because my high heels render me three inches taller than my normal 5'7, they are likely to disturb someone with such a condition.
While gigantasophobia explains your behavior, I don't truly believe it is the culprit. Another condition that is likely to cause concern over my high heels is congenital talipes equinovarus, more commonly known as "club foot." Although it seems petty that you would let your deformed and oversized feet spawn such envy of my ability to wear and walk in heels, I imagine that if I had such an embarrassing condition, I would be jealous too. Don't worry. I'm not judging. You should know that club foot occurs in 1 of every 1,000 babies born in the US, and that they have surgeries available to treat your condition.
Here are links to a few support websites I thought might help.
http://www.childrensorthopaedics.com/clubfoottalipesequinovarus.html
http://www.clubfoot.co.uk/ygroups.htm
http://www.clubfootclub.org
Of course, if you in fact do not have gigantasaphobia or congenital talipes equinovarus, there is a good chance that you are simply one of those people who likes to talk and complain about things that do not concern her. If that is the case, please disregard the previous suggestions in this e-mail. Instead, focus on this: Just because you want to look like a slob at 9 am doesn't mean that I have to.
Hope this helps,
Suz
Dear Ms. Umbridge,
It has come to my attention that the footwear I choose to wear to my morning classes has become an issue for you during our 9 am course. Although I personally have never been concerned by the fashion choices of others, I try to be a reasonable and understanding person. Therefore, I have spent some time brainstorming different reasons that you may find my "high heels" a problem worth expressing your feelings about.
One explanation I came up with is that you may be suffering from gigantasophobia. Gigantasophobia is, by definition, "the fear of growing tall or of tall people." Because my high heels render me three inches taller than my normal 5'7, they are likely to disturb someone with such a condition.
While gigantasophobia explains your behavior, I don't truly believe it is the culprit. Another condition that is likely to cause concern over my high heels is congenital talipes equinovarus, more commonly known as "club foot." Although it seems petty that you would let your deformed and oversized feet spawn such envy of my ability to wear and walk in heels, I imagine that if I had such an embarrassing condition, I would be jealous too. Don't worry. I'm not judging. You should know that club foot occurs in 1 of every 1,000 babies born in the US, and that they have surgeries available to treat your condition.
Here are links to a few support websites I thought might help.
http://www.childrensorthopaedics.com/clubfoottalipesequinovarus.html
http://www.clubfoot.co.uk/ygroups.htm
http://www.clubfootclub.org
Of course, if you in fact do not have gigantasaphobia or congenital talipes equinovarus, there is a good chance that you are simply one of those people who likes to talk and complain about things that do not concern her. If that is the case, please disregard the previous suggestions in this e-mail. Instead, focus on this: Just because you want to look like a slob at 9 am doesn't mean that I have to.
Hope this helps,
Suz
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The 5 Tactics Ex-Boyfriends Use When You Run Into Them at a Bar
So last night I went out with a friend for her 21st birthday, and the group I was with just happened to include my ex-boyfriend. We haven't spoken in about 6 months, and our breakup wasn't exactly pretty... (I left him crying in a parking lot.) So he ended up pulling a #2 (No it's not a poop reference, read the blog and you'll understand.) and I ended up drinking more vodka than I have ever publicly consumed in my life. (That being said, please excuse my grammar. I have a killer hangover today and it might throw my writing game off.)
The whole incident got me thinking about the different interactions I've had with my exes when I've run into them in public. In a perfect world, you're both cool with one another and manage to smoothly ease your way into the friend zone. But that rarely happens. So I've compiled a list of tactics that your ex may or may not use in response to that awkward run in.
The Tactics:
1. The "try to make you jealous" tactic. He's over you, happy, and he'll be damned if you don't see him chatting with every other girl at the bar. The only problem is that men have a tendency to be terrible at bullshitting. He's clearly trying too hard to prove that he's moved on, and ironically, is doing the exact opposite. Best strategy? Ignore him until he's trying so hard to be a ruthless womanizer that he makes a complete jackass of himself. Then you can laugh.
2. The Nostalgia Maneuver. Remember the time that you two sat under the stars and held each other close because you were so in love? He does. Remember the time the two of you boned on top of the washing machine? He definitely does. And he's going to take it upon himself to remind you of all the good times you had together in hopes that he can nostalgia his way into getting you to want him back. Best strategy: Vodka.
3. The ignoring tactic. He'd rather create a completely awkward atmosphere than have to face you. Sure, it's better than tactics one and two, but he's making himself look like a total d-bag. He could at least make some small talk to keep the awkk level down. Best strategy? Pretend he doesn't exist. But speaking of d-bags, there is also....
4. The asshat tactic. Maybe you rejected him. Maybe he was just a douche to begin with. But he's going to do everything he can to damage your self esteem. It's going to be a long night of passive aggressive comments and "jokes" about your intelligence and appearance. Best strategy: Save yourself an eating disorder and just don't talk to this guy.
5. The "getting shitfaced" maneuver. This is the easiest for you to deal with, it just sucks for his friends who are going to have to take care of him. Getting shitfaced can be combined with any other maneuver on this list, but fortunately, you won't be able to understand a word he's saying. Best strategy: You don't need one. This kid is a walking shit show.
The whole incident got me thinking about the different interactions I've had with my exes when I've run into them in public. In a perfect world, you're both cool with one another and manage to smoothly ease your way into the friend zone. But that rarely happens. So I've compiled a list of tactics that your ex may or may not use in response to that awkward run in.
The Tactics:
1. The "try to make you jealous" tactic. He's over you, happy, and he'll be damned if you don't see him chatting with every other girl at the bar. The only problem is that men have a tendency to be terrible at bullshitting. He's clearly trying too hard to prove that he's moved on, and ironically, is doing the exact opposite. Best strategy? Ignore him until he's trying so hard to be a ruthless womanizer that he makes a complete jackass of himself. Then you can laugh.
2. The Nostalgia Maneuver. Remember the time that you two sat under the stars and held each other close because you were so in love? He does. Remember the time the two of you boned on top of the washing machine? He definitely does. And he's going to take it upon himself to remind you of all the good times you had together in hopes that he can nostalgia his way into getting you to want him back. Best strategy: Vodka.
3. The ignoring tactic. He'd rather create a completely awkward atmosphere than have to face you. Sure, it's better than tactics one and two, but he's making himself look like a total d-bag. He could at least make some small talk to keep the awkk level down. Best strategy? Pretend he doesn't exist. But speaking of d-bags, there is also....
4. The asshat tactic. Maybe you rejected him. Maybe he was just a douche to begin with. But he's going to do everything he can to damage your self esteem. It's going to be a long night of passive aggressive comments and "jokes" about your intelligence and appearance. Best strategy: Save yourself an eating disorder and just don't talk to this guy.
5. The "getting shitfaced" maneuver. This is the easiest for you to deal with, it just sucks for his friends who are going to have to take care of him. Getting shitfaced can be combined with any other maneuver on this list, but fortunately, you won't be able to understand a word he's saying. Best strategy: You don't need one. This kid is a walking shit show.
Classic #5.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Girls are just, like, too much drama, ya know?
Another pet peeve of mine came to mind today: The girl who collects "guy friends." This came to mind while watching Big Bang Theory, one of my many guilty pleasures. It's about a ragtag group of supernerds who live next door to the lovably girly and undeniably hot Penny. Penny, fortunately, must be an endearing character and therefore is not a "man collector," but it is so within her capabilities that it made me think of the concept regardless.
Man collectors are girls who are usually semi to extremely attractive, rock the "easygoing girl next door" persona, and have a natural charm to them that makes them appeal to multiple types of men. Maybe you're a girl and you have a friend like this. Maybe you're a guy and you're part of a girl's "collection." Maybe you're a man collector yourself. But we all know that there are some girls out there who "like, only get along with guys. It's like, so weird. Girls are too much drama."
This is bullshit. Unless you enjoy having sex with girls, there is no way you will ever be "one of the guys." Maybe girls are too much drama because you're a bitch. Or actually, you're probably one of those girls who likes to subtly move in on another girl's boyfriend, playing the "comforting friend who listens to your problems but in actuality, you would have sex with them in a heartbeat" role. That's why you don't get along with girls, dumbass.
Maybe you're reading this and thinking, "But I love my guy friends!" That's good. I am happy for you. I have a handful of really great guy friends, and sometimes it's easier for me to get along with guys anyways. I had a better relationship with my dad than with my mom, so I'll attribute it to that. But when I turned 18, I noticed my guy friend count thinning out. That's because I was of the age where I slowly realized that many of my "buddies" actually just wanted to bone, and that's half the reason they were so nice.
So if you're a girl, and you're over 18 (you get a pass if you're still in grade school), take a look at your relationships with these so called "guy friends." Do you go to them for favors more often than your female friends? Are they more likely to do you a favor than your female friends? Do you complain to them about your boy problems as they gently console you by saying, "Any guy would be happy to have sex with you?" Do they want to have sex with you? Do you subtly cocktease the shit out of them?
If the answer is yes, you might be a man collector. Nice going, you manipulative bitch.
-Suz
Man collectors are girls who are usually semi to extremely attractive, rock the "easygoing girl next door" persona, and have a natural charm to them that makes them appeal to multiple types of men. Maybe you're a girl and you have a friend like this. Maybe you're a guy and you're part of a girl's "collection." Maybe you're a man collector yourself. But we all know that there are some girls out there who "like, only get along with guys. It's like, so weird. Girls are too much drama."
This is bullshit. Unless you enjoy having sex with girls, there is no way you will ever be "one of the guys." Maybe girls are too much drama because you're a bitch. Or actually, you're probably one of those girls who likes to subtly move in on another girl's boyfriend, playing the "comforting friend who listens to your problems but in actuality, you would have sex with them in a heartbeat" role. That's why you don't get along with girls, dumbass.
Maybe you're reading this and thinking, "But I love my guy friends!" That's good. I am happy for you. I have a handful of really great guy friends, and sometimes it's easier for me to get along with guys anyways. I had a better relationship with my dad than with my mom, so I'll attribute it to that. But when I turned 18, I noticed my guy friend count thinning out. That's because I was of the age where I slowly realized that many of my "buddies" actually just wanted to bone, and that's half the reason they were so nice.
So if you're a girl, and you're over 18 (you get a pass if you're still in grade school), take a look at your relationships with these so called "guy friends." Do you go to them for favors more often than your female friends? Are they more likely to do you a favor than your female friends? Do you complain to them about your boy problems as they gently console you by saying, "Any guy would be happy to have sex with you?" Do they want to have sex with you? Do you subtly cocktease the shit out of them?
If the answer is yes, you might be a man collector. Nice going, you manipulative bitch.
-Suz
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
How to Strengthen Your Relationship
This is going to be a very interesting post. The material covered in today's blog isn't what girls normally talk about. I'm going where no woman has gone before. But whatever. This is an issue that needs to be addressed, and I think I'm the girl for the job.
Huge pet peeve: Men that don't fart in front of you. Men that you're DATING that don't fart in front of you eventually. I don't mean that he has to rip ass on the first, second, or third date, but once you've seen his penis, the time has come.
Men, being the more rugged, low maintenance sex, need to understand that it is their role in the relationship to initiate the farting phase. Not to say that I've never been the one to bite the bullet, but it's so much easier if the one who scratches their balls goes first. It doesn't have to be a train horn or a lethal weapon, just a simple fart to demonstrate the fact that you're comfortable enough around the person to be a human being with normal bodily functions. A fart-icebreaker, so to speak.
Once, I had been dating a guy for about 3 months. We were in a Facebook official relationship and were pretty comfortable around each other, or so I thought. It was about 11 pm, and I was sitting on his bed working on homework. He was sitting on his futon checking email. He farted. I didn't think anything of it, but he APOLOGIZED PROFUSELY. For a fart! He was incredibly embarrassed about something that honestly, no one gives a damn about. We were broken up within the next two weeks. Sure, you could say that the breakup had nothing to do with the fart. But I know deep down that it played some kind of role.
The moral of the story? If you want to strengthen your relationship, let one rip. If you want to ruin your relationship, make a huge embarrassing deal out of a normal bodily function. And if you want to sit around in agony squeezing your butt cheeks together trying to hide the fact that you're experiencing gut wrenching cramps from gas backup, don't fart at all. The choice is yours.
-Suz
Huge pet peeve: Men that don't fart in front of you. Men that you're DATING that don't fart in front of you eventually. I don't mean that he has to rip ass on the first, second, or third date, but once you've seen his penis, the time has come.
Men, being the more rugged, low maintenance sex, need to understand that it is their role in the relationship to initiate the farting phase. Not to say that I've never been the one to bite the bullet, but it's so much easier if the one who scratches their balls goes first. It doesn't have to be a train horn or a lethal weapon, just a simple fart to demonstrate the fact that you're comfortable enough around the person to be a human being with normal bodily functions. A fart-icebreaker, so to speak.
Once, I had been dating a guy for about 3 months. We were in a Facebook official relationship and were pretty comfortable around each other, or so I thought. It was about 11 pm, and I was sitting on his bed working on homework. He was sitting on his futon checking email. He farted. I didn't think anything of it, but he APOLOGIZED PROFUSELY. For a fart! He was incredibly embarrassed about something that honestly, no one gives a damn about. We were broken up within the next two weeks. Sure, you could say that the breakup had nothing to do with the fart. But I know deep down that it played some kind of role.
The moral of the story? If you want to strengthen your relationship, let one rip. If you want to ruin your relationship, make a huge embarrassing deal out of a normal bodily function. And if you want to sit around in agony squeezing your butt cheeks together trying to hide the fact that you're experiencing gut wrenching cramps from gas backup, don't fart at all. The choice is yours.
-Suz
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